X-Men: Apocalypse (2016)

X-Men: Apocalypse, or: Poe Dameron Sith Fever Dream.

The plot is this: the first mutant wakes up after a few thousand years, decides that he doesn’t like the state of the world, and recruits some mutants to help him destroy it. The X-Men have to stop him, because of course they do. We deserve a world ruled by Trump and his Donald Youth.

I am not going to discount this film entirely, as there were some really great parts… with those parts being very small and unevenly dispersed. The sad thing is, I just came from the theater, and I don’t remember what they were.

I know that I loved Sophie Turner as Jean Grey, and appreciated the production values, and found a few new characters enjoyable too. But for all the media coverage that Psylocke and Storm got, they were little more than glorified cameos, and Oscar Isaac was just not meant for this. He can do anything, but that does not mean he should.

In the end, you won’t hate this film; you’ll just be really bored. You’ll roll your eyes at some of the genuinely terrible lines, and you’ll chuckle at a few. You’ll wonder how, when they need to escape, Cyclops doesn’t just shoot beams out of his eyes. You’ll wonder if the script is crappy fan-fiction. You’ll understand that the only logic in this film is the logic fabricated by the filmmakers so the story doesn’t stop.

I would have given X-Men: First Class three green stars, and I would have given Days of Future Past two-and-a-half yellow. This is a problem. Generally speaking, when the stoplight goes from green to yellow to red, you stop. I wish the filmmakers would take a break from this franchise, just for a bit. If they keep going, they’re bound to crash.

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2 thoughts on “X-Men: Apocalypse (2016)

  1. Pingback: Best of Summer 2016 | The Stoplight

  2. Pingback: Office Christmas Party (2016) | The Stoplight

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